Hope

The ice-cold, glimmering snowflakes blobbed together to form piles of mischievous snow, which equally mischievous children throw at each other, and less mischievous people groan at and deplore to remove them from their front yards. I was not of the two. Instead, I merely looked at the white icy fluffs, and frowned.

Groaning, I sat on my bed. My eyes sore and red, and my hair of indeterminate shape, I looked at the mirror, and frowned.

“Ugly. As usual.” I thought.

I scoured my desk for anything useful, and found a hairband. It’s the same one I’ve used in months. Never changed it. Never had to. I took it as usual, and I put it on slowly, but barely carefully. There was no point in trying to make it look good anymore.

My hand then extended towards the far corner of the desk, past all the dusty, half-used make-up sets, the lowly cheap lipstick and the mounds of notes, papers and tissues towards a bottle filled with small, flat oval bars of white.

I took a look at it, and closed my eyes. Taking a deep breath, I put it down for a moment and looked to the door across the room. The intimidating, frigid, faraway door. My arms dropped down and again, I frowned.

Probing the other way, on another table, with cables meshed together, and piles of wasted books littering the place to the point where you could not know that buried under them was an electronic device, I clenched my fists. Closing my eyes, and letting what little remains of tears flow down my cheek, I thought “This is the day.”

Nodding to myself, I took a deep breath, wiped my cheek, and looked around. I looked towards the bottle of pills I held before. Then I looked at the bread and butter knife in my kitchen. My wrecked, out of stock, barely used kitchen. Sighing, I sat on my bed and looked up to the fan above me. Rotating, spinning continuously, it began to seem mesmerizingly hypnotic. Like the world, like my life, like everything, it spun around and around, in an endless cycle. Well, at least until it stops.

Rising from my bed, I looked out the window once more, and thought “Perhaps I’ll have a coffee first”

My coat was cold. Very ironic. I hadn’t used it in a while. I haven’t gone out in days. Before that, I only came out for supplies. I couldn’t remember the last time I went out with people. I didn’t even remember when I stopped coming to classes. I suppose my friends would have forgotten me by now. Just to be safe though, I headed the other way from that large, intimidating institution.

There was a small local coffee shop around the corner. Cheap, cozy, and having decent quality, it was a fine place for a cup of joe. I ordered a nice, plain, slightly sweet cup of coffee and looked at it a bit. It was warm, and mildly comforting. I smiled. I haven’t had warmth or comfort in a while. Ever since the money dried up, at least. I suppose someone who can do nothing does not deserve warmth or comfort. Today though, I decided to splurge a bit and buy a bit of breakfast too.

I looked to the counter. Once upon a time, there was one who knew me there, a sort of friend who would ask me how my day was every time I entered. Now, she’s gone. Replaced by an unknown novice who probably rightly thought that I was bringing the place down with my gloom.

To be honest, who could blame her? Here was a brightly lit, elegant rustic coffee shop with beautiful woodwork and modest prices, filled with perky, happy people — except that one corner which contained me; the ugly, gloomy person ruining the scenery.

Even I would not have been that insensitive. I quickly finished my coffee and walked out of the shop. I could feel the gazes darting through me. Judging me. I didn’t blame them. I made it all too easy. I wasn’t strong enough to resist. I wasn’t strong enough to do anything. I hated myself. Hated myself for not being able to do anything. They must think it easy to overcome. It should be. But it’s not. I don’t know why. It’s just not.

As I continued to dwell on my plight a mischievous stone got in the way of my foot and I descended, face first, to the icy snow ridden ground. There I stayed. There I ignored the people around me. Some of them walking along as if I never existed. I wish it was true. Some of them taking pictures as if I was noteworthy. I wish that was also true. Some of them even started to grow concerned, as if I deserved it. I know that one isn’t true. Finally unable to move due to hunger and sloth, I could only inevitably close my eyes. Hoping it would end. Hoping that I would just disappear right there, into the snow. Away from everything. Away from the world. Away from myself.

“Are you alright?!”

A familiar voice.

I opened my eyes again, and above me stood a slim brunette, covered in a cozy looking winter jacket and wearing a worried expression. She was the one I used to talk to a bit at the coffee shop. I sat up and realized — we were in my place. That desolate, depressing place. I looked at her, puzzled. She sighed and smiled at me. “I thought I had to call an ambulance.” She said. “Seems not.”

“No…” I responded, still puzzled as to how I wound up in such a situation. “Erm, excuse me but how did I…?”

Her smile didn’t fade. “You don’t remember? You collapsed on the sidewalk and I noticed you, so I asked some people to help. We were able to find your address, but the door was unlocked so we just came in and put you on your bed.” She scooted near me and started whispering “I asked them to leave and for me to watch you for safety, don’t worry. You’re safe with me.”

Safe huh? I’ve never felt that in a while. Indeed, she did save me, but I didn’t want her to. I could have just froze there, never knowing what happened, but instead-

“Get out.” I said.

Instead.

She hesitated.

Instead I’m stuck back here. In this desolate place.

“Get out… please.” I said with tears.

Silence.

Then, a thud as she stood up and started walking to the door. Thank god. I didn’t want to do it in front of he-

“This place is familiar.” She said. “I understand.”

As she made her final remark and the door slammed shut, I looked back, only to see her gone. What did she mean, she understood? I certainly didn’t. I didn’t understand anything. I didn’t want — or need to understand anything anymore.

Gritting my teeth I walk over to my desk and reached for the jar of white pills — which were now gone. Instead, there was a hot cup of coffee. A small note was written on a tiny piece of paper near it.

“Tomorrow, 12, usual place”

My tears were, at that time, still shedding, but my chest stopped throbbing. I never thought I’d feel it anymore. I never wanted to feel it anymore. I cursed myself for fooling around, for not acting swiftly, but it was too late. I felt it.

Picking up the cup of coffee and taking a sip. I looked up at the rotating blades of the ceiling fan and thought; “Maybe I’ll do it another time then.”